Im loosing interest in life. its getting blander and colourless. my friends are more of a chore to keep now, then to be with them out of pleasure. my grades i feel are slipping and im not absorbing any of the information that i normally would have able to memorize and resite like second nature. my quality of life also seems to have slipped. i used to care, on how i dress. now i just wear whatever. i sometimes feel like not waking up and just sleeping away my sorrows. im fustrated with myself and others around me. especially time. im fustrated that my body seems to just give away whenever i dont play sports, but i dont have the strength for it anymore. i mentally am not there. im glade my swim season ended before things got really bad, cause i would be crying myself to sleep every night if i messed that up too. funny thing is, i always feel like crying but i never do. i want to, and sometimes am on the verge of doing it...but i dont. i used to cut myself. with a razor, but the one i love told me to stop. he never told me what fully happened but he did say that ha went to the hospital because of cutting. in not as many words i think he wanted to commit suvicide. :( truth be told...i started to bite myself... im so stupid, but the physical pain distracts me from the anger and sadness. im pathetic. and the sad part is that i know this but i cant change. i want to, but i dont have enough energy or will power. there is so much i could look forward to, so much i could be doing! but...i can barly get myself out of bed. my headaches dont help. it hurts. like a cramp with a pulse. it goes away when i do sports, but again. i cant get enough "oomph" to do it. i guess i should take my own advice and - get my a*s in gear-.... wont the pain ever ease. i want the spring to come. winter is too long and this house is too small for me now. my goals are big and the ristrictions are crushing me. my wings will become usless in an enviroment like this.
phury and payne wrap me up. give me strength. and lets fly away.
